Suppose I break into your house...

Inspired from a 'Letter to the Editor". The writer cuts to the quick and explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV. Here's the letter.

START
Recently, large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that parliament is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that  Canada might actually want to protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, make it harder (as an illegal immigrant) to stay indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let's say I break into your house. Then, when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, 'I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and done the laundry and swept the floors; I've  done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work)  because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking-in  part.

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my illegal right to be there. It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest, um, except for well, you know. And what a deal it is for me!! I now have a better life and I like it here.

I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me!  English is a little hard for me to learn. You should also allow me to vote - in my own language, since I live in your house!

Why can't people see how ridiculous this?
END

Now my bit.

I know that this may be seen as "racist", "right wing", and such terms. I think all civilized societies should, in fact MUST, welcome refugees and people in danger. Furthermore, Canada (and the U. S. in fact) were built around immigrants who wanted to improve their lot and give their children a chance to grow, a chance they felt they did not have in their country.

My complaint is with ILLEGALS. People who sneak in, who come here with a visitor's visa and who stay illegally. People who claim they are in physical danger in their country (we have recent cases with people from Shri Lanka) and are received here but GO BACK TO THEIR COUNTRY FOR VACATIONS!!

Now is it right wing to expect that they NOT be treated the same as landed immigrants or naturalized, (or better still born here), Canadians?

End of rant.

Any opinions?

Man it's been a while

Nothing to say...I've just been busy as hell (I guess with all those non believers dying, hell MUST be busy ). So just a post to tell you all (all you 2 to 5 readers), that I'm still around

Curling is NOT a sport

I just found out that Canada's women curling team has a pregnant player on board as a substitute.  In a February 17th 2010 article, the Examiner presents Kristie Moore, 5 months pregnant, a very fit looking lady. 
That's all fine and good but between you and I, would you see a 5 month pregnant slalom skier, or a pregnant Joannie Rochette or even a pregnant bobsled team (where after all you ARE sitting down most of the time), or a pregnant - well you get my point - competing in any TRUE olympic sport? 
Thank you, I knew you would agree. 
I hear that when Curling Canada called Ms Moore to invite her onto the team as a substitute, she, rumors have it, said : "You know I'm 5 month pregnant right?" To which the caller said: "So? You're pregnant, you're not dead".
Thus it seems that curling is an olympic activity where the only prerequisite to allow you to play is that you not be dead. 
Not a sport, period.   

BELIEVE!

A very nice blog http://strangemaps.wordpress.com/ has all kinds of weird things, among those the forever famous "flat earth society" kind of spoof. Here's an extract. 

• Q: “Can I believe in the round Earth and still get into heaven?”
• A: “No [...] God won’t let any half-assed believers into heaven.” 

• Q: “What about all those pictures from space, showing that the Earth is round?”
• A: “Just more proof that Hollywood is in league with the devil [...] In fact, the entire NASA space program is a sham. The movie Capricorn One was a documentary about how the Apollo moon mission was faked [...] O.J. Simpson, one of the stars of Capricorn One, was going to come forward with THE TRUTH, but he was silenced by being framed for the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.

• Q: “How come no airline pilots have ever reported seeing the edges of the Earth?”
• A: “Airline pilots are also in league with the devil. This is for your protection. If True Believers were allowed to pilot airliners, many planes would instantly become unmanned during the pre-Tribulation Rapture, thus crashing and killing everybody on board. When crossing the Equator or the Prime Meridian, airline pilots have to make sharp 90-degree turns to follow the square contours of the Earth. They hide this fact by blaming it on ‘turbulence.’”

Questions about Canada

In preparation for coming to the Vancouver olympics, believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
I thought I'd add my OWN answers, labelled My_Own_answer (OK couldn't think of a better one)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
My_Own_answer: That's because we only have 5 TV channels in Canada - coast to coast - and we don't want to attract tourists.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
My_Own_answer: Yes, if you hang around Inuktituk (North West Territories), Poste de la Baleine (Québec), FlinFlon (Manitoba) or anywhere close to the Artic circle.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
My_Own_answer: Swedes really do have a lot of stamina. I also say "Yes you can". Suggest you leave Vancouver in late October with cross country skis so that you get to the eastern tip of Québec late June - you might have snow all the way. Also, don't try to get to Newfoundland by foot. The river doesn't freeze over there.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
My_Own_answer: ??? What the fuck kind of question is THAT? "Run around the bushes". NO you can only do this in Kenebunkport, Maine (about 2 hours away south of the canadian border) where the Bushes have their residence. Keep an eye out for secret service people disguised as pizza delivery folks - some peolpe still have it out for the Bushes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax ? (England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
My_Own_answer: We also have them in Inuktituk, Poste de la Baleine, FlinFlon. For a list of ATMs in those "other" cities, try "The Internet" - we also have THAT in Canada.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
My_Own_answer: Hippo racing takes place every two weeks in all major cities, right after the Weight Watcher meetings. Most entertaining to see the ladies run to the donut shop. Betting is "cash only" - look for me (I always wear an orange hat with flipdown ear covers).

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
My_Own_answer: Other hint, in addition to above. If you see a bear walk by and it's white, you're pretty close to the north. Stop walking, take a rest. Let the bear approach you - your suffering is almost over.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? (England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
My_Own_answer: In case you're wondering, we have cutlery in most restaurants. Others invite you to eat with your fingers...like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
My_Own_answer: Most "Boy's choirs" are closely guarded by groups called "Parish Priests". I disagree with other answer - please DO NOT come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany )
A: No, we don't stink.
My_Own_answer: Yes. The most pungent one is called "Oktoberfest".

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
My_Own_answer: We don't need it. We are mostly a peace loving country and we live to a very old age. Also, I agree with the other answer.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
My_Own_answer: Smaller as in "less than" or as in "shorter than"? Most of our females are shorter than most of our males. Exceptions: Midget throwing clubs - we have those in Vancouver I'm told - look for them. If you're looking for areas where there are less females than males (coming from Italy I can only guess why you would want to know this), please be advised that Canadian girls are, for the most part, not impressed by macho Italian guys. They go for lumberjacks wearing checkered shirts and orange hats with ear flaps.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
My_Own_answer: Yes, when the tourists go back home. We also have a 4th of July except we don't do anything special with it.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
My_Own_answer: I guess this is like me asking if there are only men wearing bavarian costumes in Germany. What? My wife tells me that indeed that men only wear bavarian costumes in Germany - well I'll be damned - didn't know this did ya!

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, beating in the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
My_Own_answer: I disagree with "the other answer". We call them Horny Horses - found on most farms. You keep them away from you by spraying yourself with mare-in-heat urine. (Mares are lady horses - we have those in Canada too)

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
My_Own_answer: You can speak all you want, we just won't answer. Holds true for most languages anyway. We just wait for tourists to go away. We're a peace loving country and too many tourists make us impatient.

Politically incorrect

Since I'm not planning to run for

• Public office
• The local school board
• For ANY government sponsored jobs

I would like to offer some thoughts or share some jokes I find weirdly funny
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Polish Lottery?
      The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
What do a Divorce in Arkansas, and a Tornado have in common?
      Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
   Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
    Sign says:"17 and under not admitted."
What do you get when you have 32 West Virginia  lawyers in the same room?
     A full set of teeth.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
      Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in South Carolina burned down?
      Almost took out the whole trailer park.
A new law was recently passed in Virginia:
    When a  couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE:
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" "You Are Different and That's Bad" 

Taxes taxes taxes

At  first I thought this was funny....

Then I realized the awful truth of it.  

Be  sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land,

Tax his  bed,

Tax the table

At which he's fed.

Tax  his work,

Tax his pay,

He works for peanuts

Anyway!

Tax  his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat.

Tax  his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he

Tries to  think.

Tax his car,

Tax his gas,

Find other ways

To  tax his ass.

Tax all he has

Then let him know

That you  won't be done

Till he has no dough.

When he screams and  hollers;

Then tax him some more,

Tax him till

He's good and  sore.

Then tax his coffin,

Tax his grave,

Tax the sod  in

Which he's laid.

When he's gone,

Do  not relax,

It’s time to apply

The inheritance tax.

Accounts  Receivable Tax

Airline surcharge tax

Airline Fuel Tax

Airport  Maintenance Tax

Building Permit Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income  Tax

Death Tax

Dog License Tax

Driving Permit Tax

Environmental Tax  (Fee)

Excise Taxes

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment  (UI)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Gasoline Tax (too much per  litre)

Gross Receipts Tax

Health Tax

Hunting License Tax

Hydro  Tax

Inheritance Tax

Interest Tax

Liquor Tax

Luxury  Taxes

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Mortgage Tax

Personal  Income Tax

Property Tax

Poverty Tax

Prescription Drug  Tax

Provincial Income  and sales tax

Real Estate  Tax

Recreational Vehicle Tax

Retail Sales Tax

Service Charge  Tax

School Tax

Telephone Federal Tax

Telephone Federal, Provincial  and Local Surcharge Taxes

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

Vehicle  License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Water Tax

Watercraft  Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax

--- and in  2010 the HST

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, Canada was one of the most  prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had a large  middle class, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What the flock happened? 
Can you spell 'politicians?'

Richard Dawkin's Times online article

An article from Richard Dawkins on Pat Robertson's sick and horrendous comment that Haiti's heart quake was brought upon them to tone for their sins of making a deal with the devil, no less.

And reading the comments is pretty entertaining too.

Side effects

It's Sunday night, my wonderful spouse and I are watching the Golden Globe awards and I see a commercial for a bipolar disorder medicine. I will NOT mention the product here, I don't have the time or the money to fight the lawyers and all.
I'm listening absentmindedly (as is often my state on Sunday evenings) but I can't help hearing the side effects. The ad is in fact about 15 seconds long and the side effect another 15 seconds. 
Take a look, taken right from the product's web site: 
Side effects can include:

• Headaches -- in up to 27 percent of people
• A sedated feeling -- up to 23 percent
• Agitation -- up to 19 percent
• Insomnia -- up to 18 percent 
• Fatigue -- up to 17 percent
• Anxiety -- up to 17 percent
• Drowsiness -- up to 16 percent
• Nausea -- up to 15 percent
• Vomiting -- up to 14 percent
• Restlessness -- up to 12 percent
• Constipation -- up to 11 percent.

Some other common side effects (occurring in 2 percent to 10 percent of people) included:

• Dizziness
• Indigestion or heartburn
• Shakiness (tremors)
• Weight gain 
• Restlessness
• Fatigue
• Dry mouth
• Joint pain
• Throat pain
• Blurred vision
• Abdominal pain (stomach pain)
• Pain
• Cough
• Nasal congestion
• Increased salivation
• Swelling or water retention in the arms, legs, or feet.
• Large or rapid weight gain
• Suicidal thoughts
• Dizziness or fainting when going from a sitting or lying-down position to standing
• Feelings of internal restlessness or jitteriness
• Any abnormal muscle movements (these movements can become permanent if xxx is not stopped quickly)
• A painful erection of the penis that does not go away (priapism) (hang on, what's the problem here???)
• Unexplained rash
• Hives
• Itching
• Unexplained swelling
• Wheezing
• Difficulty breathing or swallowing
• Hemorrhoids
• Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
• Canker sores
• Gallstones
• Yeast infections
• Arthritis
• Carpal tunnel syndrome
• Kidney stones
• Impotence, also known as erectile dysfunction  (so we can have a permanent erection (see above) or no erection at all - confusing)
• An increased or decreased sex drive
• Acne
• Eczema
• Hair loss
• Varicose veins.
• Anemia
• Vertigo (a spinning sensation)
• Tinnitus (ringing in the ears)
• Low thyroid (hypothyroidism) or high thyroid (hyperthyroidism)

And not mentioned on the site but spoken on TV : ".. and death"

AND DEATH????

Holly shit Batman, I don't suffer from bipolar disorder but I think I'd rather be bipolar than risking the above. 

Comments anyone?

The Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs

Check out this SlideShare Presentation. Steve Jobs a man who went after his dreams.

The Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs

View more presentations from Carmine Gallo.

Cynical Project Mamangement tips

This is a guest post from Michael Krigsman of TechRepublic’s sister site ZDNet. You can follow Michael on his ZDNet blog IT Project Failures, or subscribe to the RSS feed.
1. PROJECTS WITH REALISTIC BUDGETS AND TIMETABLES DON’T GET APPROVED.
2. THE MORE DESPERATE THE SITUATION THE MORE OPTIMISTIC THE PROGRESS REPORT.
3. A USER IS SOMEBODY WHO REJECTS THE SYSTEM BECAUSE IT’S WHAT HE ASKED FOR.
4. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PROJECT SUCCESS AND FAILURE IS A GOOD PR COMPANY.
5. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE PERSON WHO DOESN’T HAVE TO DO IT.
6. EVERY FAILING, OVERLY AMBITIOUS PROJECT, HAS AT ITS HEART A SERIES OF SUCCESSFUL SMALL ONES TRYING TO ESCAPE.
7. A FREEZE ON CHANGE MELTS WHENEVER HEAT IS APPLIED.
8. YOU UNDERSTOOD WHAT I SAID, NOT WHAT I MEANT.
9. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING, JUST TALK ABOUT SPECIFICS.
10. IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED, RENAME THE PROJECT.
11. EVERYONE WANTS A STRONG PROJECT MANAGER - UNTIL THEY GET HIM. – (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
12. ONLY IDIOTS OWN UP TO WHAT THEY REALLY KNOW.
13. THE WORST PROJECT MANAGERS SLEEP AT NIGHT.
14. A FAILING PROJECT HAS BENEFITS WHICH ARE ALWAYS SPOKEN OF IN THE FUTURE TENSE.
15. PROJECTS DON’T FAIL IN THE END; THEY FAIL AT CONCEPTION.
16. VISIONS ARE USUALLY TREATABLE.
17. OVERLY AMBITIOUS PROJECTS CAN NEVER FAIL IF THEY HAVE A BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND NO END.
18. MOST COMPANIES DON’T PUNISH ERROR, ONLY ITS DISCLOSURE.
19. THE MOST DIFFICULT WAY IS, IN THE LONG RUN, THE EASIEST.
20. A REALIST IS ONE WHO’S PRESCIENTLY DISAPPOINTED IN THE FUTURE.

On being cynical

It's Friday night, a little tired from the week but still wanted to start a little discussion here - and with the amount of visitors, I'll most likely be talking to myself. It's alright, I seldom argue with myself. 

I was listening to the news on the way home tonight about something truly local, of no interest to the world, and I simply did not believe the news. I did not believe the reporter, I did not believe the minister (government, not religious THOSE cannot be trusted at all, ever) and I thought: "Why am I so cynical?" and I was wondering if I was "cynical" or "jaded". I'll be back to you on this, but I'm definitely cynical. 

So when I got home I asked google "Why am I so cynical"  (I kid you not, I'm now asking Google to resolve some of my deepest questions), and Google, in a manner of speaking, told me I wasn't alone. 

I'll leave this to you for now, but a great many people don't trust a whole lot of other people it seems. 

Crossing Canada's border

From what I understand...
If you cross the North Korean border illegally, you get up to 12 years hard labor
If you cross the Iranian border, you are detained indefinitely
If you cross the Afghan border, you get shot (by Afghans or Americans)
If you cross the Saudi Arabia border, you will be jailed
If you cross the Chinese border, you will be jailed and may never be heard from again
If you cross the Venezuelan border, you will be branded a spy and thrown in jail
If you cross the Cuban border, you will be arrested and either deported immediately or thrown in jail
BUT
If you cross the Canadian border illegally , you get:

• a job
• a driver's license (after a few weeks)
• social insurance card
• free health care
• food assistance program
• free education
• subsidized housing
• government subsidized home acquisition loan

Ahh I see, that may be some of the reasons we are amongst the most taxed people in the world.

OK call me right wing.

Babies born in zoos

You just have to see this. A major "awwwwww" factor!
 Photos from baby animals born in zoos.

Click here

This defies imagination!

In an article in "Philadelphia Business Today", it is reported that the catholic diocese filed for bankruptcy just hours before eight clergy sex-abuse trials were set to begin.

It is worth the detour to read the full article but here's what makes me really sick, and I quote the article.
"In an open letter to the diocese's 230,000 parishioners, Bishop W. Francis Malooly called bankruptcy a "painful decision" that he had hoped to avoid. However, he wrote, it would ensure that funds will be available for all victims, not just the first who go to trial."

It is really too bad that there is no hell, as there is no heaven. I wish those religious people, the archbishop most of all would rot in hell. Shame on the catholic church. SHAME ON YOU!

Living - Vivre

Obviously not mine. Something a dear friend sent me. It is so true, thought I'd keep it here for reference. You are all welcome to fav, download, post it on blogs. People should remember to LIVE!

De toute évidence ce n'est pas une photo que j'ai prise mais bien quelque chose qu'un ami m'a envoyé. C'est tellement vrai que j'ai simplement voulu la mettre ici pour la partager avec vous. SVP regardez là, mettez la dans vos favoris, affichez la mais surtout, surtout VIVEZ!

Only in Canada

In Canada , instead of applying for Old Age Pension, you should rather apply for the Status of Refugee.
It is interesting to know that the federal Government of Canada allows :
A monthly pension of : $1,890.00 to a simple refugee
plus : $ 580.00 in social aid
A grand total of : $2,470.00 monthly
X 12 months
==========
$28,920.00 annual income

By comparison, the Old Age Pension of a senior citizen who has contributed to the development of Our Country during 40 or 50 years, CANNOT receive more than :
$1,012.00 a month in Old Age Pension and Guaranteed Income Supplement
X 12 months
============
$12,144.00 annual income
A difference of : $16,776.00 per year

Perhaps our senior citizens should ask for the Status of Refugees instead of applying for Old Age pension.
May I suggest that the allowance of refugee could be reduced to $1,012.00, and that of our Canadian pensioners (who actually deserve it) may enjoy the money that they have been forced to disburse in income taxes for 40 or 50 years, switches from $1,012.00 to $2,470.00.
Seems this would make more sense to me

Superstitions

The town of Aurora in Ontario Canada has just voted to allow the removal of the number 4 from addresses because people of Asian origin claim it brings bad luck. Apparently it sounds like "Death". See the UPI article here.

On the other hand, a city officiel of the city of Palmerston North in New Zealand want to remove the ban on number 13. Apparently the ban is in effect to not allow houses to have 13 as their street address. See the UPI article here.

Just a though

So, a universe indifferent to pain and suffering is bleak, but a god who demonstrates his love with pain and suffering is comforting.

Funny business quotes

A magazine recently ran a "dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.


Here are the top ten finalists:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(Hallmark Cards executive)

101 Contradictions In The Bible

I know, I know...

The Bible isn't SUPPOSED to be taken literally but some of these are downright contradictions.

Read on

1.Who incited David to count the fighting men of Israel? (a) God did (2 Samuel 24: 1) (b) Satan did (I Chronicles 2 1:1)

2.In that count how many fighting men were found in Israel? (a) Eight hundred thousand (2 Samuel 24:9) (b) One million, one hundred thousand (IChronicles 21:5)

3. How many fighting men were found in Judah? (a) Five hundred thousand (2 Samuel 24:9) (b) Four hundred and seventy thousand (I Chronicles 21:5)

4.God sent his prophet to threaten David with how many years of famine? (a) Seven (2 Samuel 24:13) (b) Three (I Chronicles 21:12)

5.How old was Ahaziah when he began to rule over Jerusalem? (a) Twenty-two (2 Kings 8:26) (b) Forty-two (2 Chronicles 22:2)

6.How old was Jehoiachin when he became king of Jerusalem? (a) Eighteen (2 Kings 24:8) (b) Eight (2 Chronicles 36:9)

7.How long did he rule over Jerusalem? (a) Three months (2 Kings 24:8) (b) Three months and ten days (2 Chronicles 36:9)

8.The chief of the mighty men of David lifted up his spear and killed how many men at one time? (a) Eight hundred (2 Samuel 23:8) (b) Three hundred (I Chronicles 11: 11)

9.When did David bring the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem? Before defeating the Philistines or after? (a) After (2 Samuel 5 and 6) (b) Before (I Chronicles 13 and 14)

10.How many pairs of clean animals did God tell Noah to take into the Ark? (a) Two (Genesis 6:19, 20) (b) Seven (Genesis 7:2). But despite this last instruction only two pairs went into the ark (Genesis 7:8-9)

11.When David defeated the King of Zobah, how many horsemen did he capture? (a) One thousand and seven hundred (2 Samuel 8:4) (b) Seven thousand (I Chronicles 18:4)

12.How many stalls for horses did Solomon have? (a) Forty thousand (I Kings 4:26)

(b) Four thousand (2 chronicles 9:25)

13.In what year of King Asa's reign did Baasha, King of Israel die? (a) Twenty-sixth year (I Kings 15:33 - 16:8) (b) Still alive in the thirty-sixth year (2 Chronicles 16:1)

14.How many overseers did Solomon appoint for the work of building the temple? (a) Three thousand six hundred (2 Chronicles 2:2) (b) Three thousand three hundred (I Kings 5:16)

15.Solomon built a facility containing how many baths? (a) Two thousand (1 Kings 7:26) (b) Over three thousand (2 Chronicles 4:5)

16.Of the Israelites who were freed from the Babylonian captivity, how many were the children of Pahrath-Moab?

(a) Two thousand eight hundred and twelve (Ezra 2:6) (b) Two thousand eight hundred and eighteen (Nehemiah 7:11)

17.How many were the children of Zattu? (a) Nine hundred and forty-five (Ezra 2:8) (b) Eight hundred and forty-five (Nehemiah 7:13)

18.How many were the children of Azgad?

(a) One thousand two hundred and twenty-two (Ezra 2:12) (b) Two thousand three hundred and twenty-two (Nehemiah 7:17)

19.How many were the children of Adin? (a) Four hundred and fifty-four (Ezra 2:15) (b) Six hundred and fifty-five (Nehemiah 7:20)

20.How many were the children of Hashum? (a) Two hundred and twenty-three (Ezra 2:19) (b) Three hundred and twenty-eight (Nehemiah 7:22)

21.How many were the children of Bethel and Ai? (a) Two hundred and twenty-three (Ezra 2:28) (b) One hundred and twenty-three (Nehemiah 7:32)

22.Ezra 2:64 and Nehemiah 7:66 agree that the total number of the whole assembly was 42,360. Yet the numbers do not add up to anything close. The totals obtained from each book is as follows:

(a) 29,818 (Ezra) (b) 31,089 (Nehemiah)

23.How many singers accompanied the assembly? (a) Two hundred (Ezra 2:65) (b) Two hundred and forty-five (Nehemiah 7:67)

24.What was the name of King Abijah’s mother? (a) Michaiah, daughter of Uriel of Gibeah (2 Chronicles 13:2)

(b) Maachah, daughter of Absalom (2 Chronicles 11:20) But Absalom had only one daughter whose name was Tamar (2 Samuel 14:27)

25.Did Joshua and the Israelites capture Jerusalem? (a) Yes (Joshua 10:23, 40) (b) No (Joshua 15:63)

26.Who was the father of Joseph, husband of Mary? (a) Jacob (Matthew 1:16) (b) Hell (Luke 3:23)

27.Jesus descended from which son of David? (a) Solomon (Matthew 1:6) (b) Nathan (Luke3: 31)

28.Who was the father of Shealtiel? (a) Jechoniah (Matthew 1:12) (b) Neri’ (Luke 3:27)

29.Which son of Zerubbabel was an ancestor of Jesus Christ? (a) Abiud (Matthew 1: 13)

(b) Rhesa (Luke 3:27) but the seven sons of Zerubbabel are as follows: i. Meshullam, ii. Hananiah, iii. Hashubah, iv. Ohel, v. Berechiah, vi. Hasadiah, viii. Jushabhesed (I Chronicles 3:19, 20). The names Abiud and Rhesa do not fit in anyway.

30.Who was the father of Uzziah? (a) Joram (Matthew 1:8) (b) Amaziah (2 Chronicles 26:1)

31.Who as the father of Jechoniah? (a) Josiah (Matthew 1:11) (b) Jeholakim (I Chronicles 3:16)

32.How many generations were there from the Babylonian exile until Christ? (a) Matthew says fourteen (Matthew 1:17) (b) But a careful count of the generations reveals only thirteen (see Matthew 1: 12-16)

33.Who was the father of Shelah? (a) Cainan (Luke 3:35-36) (b) Arphaxad (Genesis II: 12)

34.Was John the Baptist Elijah who was to come? (a) Yes (Matthew II: 14, 17:10-13) (b) No (John 1:19-21)

35.Would Jesus inherit David’s throne? (a) Yes. So said the angel (Luke 1:32)

(b) No, since he is a descendant of Jehoiakim (see Matthew 1: I 1, I Chronicles 3:16). And Jehoiakim was cursed by God so that none of his descendants can sit upon David’s throne (Jeremiah 36:30)

36.Jesus rode into Jerusalem on how many animals?

(a) One - a colt (Mark 11:7; cf Luke 19:3 5). “And they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their garments on it; and he sat upon it.”

(b) Two - a colt and an ass (Matthew 21:7). “They brought the ass and the colt and put their garments on them and he sat thereon.”

37.How did Simon Peter find out that Jesus was the Christ? (a) By a revelation from heaven (Matthew 16:17) (b) His brother Andrew told him (John 1:41)

38.Where did Jesus first meet Simon Peter and Andrew? (a) By the Sea of Galilee (Matthew 4:18-22) (b) On the banks of river Jordan (John 1:42). After that, Jesus decided to go to Galilee (John 1:43)

39.When Jesus met Jairus was Jairus’ daughter already dead? (a) Yes. Matthew 9:18 quotes him as saying, “My daughter has just died.” (b) No. Mark 5:23 quotes him as saying, “My little daughter is at the point of death.”

40.Did Jesus allow his disciples to keep a staff on their journey? (a) Yes (Mark6: 8) (b) No (Matthew 10:9; Luke 9:3)

41.Did Herod think that Jesus was John the Baptist? (a) Yes (Matthew 14:2; Mark 6:16) (b) No (Luke 9:9)

42.Did John the Baptist recognize Jesus before his baptism? (a) Yes (Matthew 3:13-14) (b) No (John 1:32,33)

43.Did John the Baptist recognize Jesus after his baptism? (a) Yes (John 1:32, 33) (b) No (Matthew 11:2)

44.According to the Gospel of John, what did Jesus say about bearing his own witness? (a) “If I bear witness to myself, my testimony is not true” (John 5:3 1) (b) “Even if I do bear witness to myself, my testimony is true” (John 8:14)

45.When Jesus entered Jerusalem did he cleanse the temple that same day? (a) Yes (Matthew 21:12)

(b) No. He went into the temple and looked around, but since it was very late he did nothing. Instead, he went to Bethany to spend the night and returned the next morning to cleanse the temple (Mark I 1:1- 17).

46.The Gospels say that Jesus cursed a fig tree. Did the tree wither at once? (a) Yes. (Matthew 21:19) (b) No. It withered overnight (Mark II: 20)

47.Did Judas kiss Jesus? (a) Yes (Matthew 26:48-50) (b) No. Judas could not get close enough to Jesus to kiss him (John 18:3-12)

48.What did Jesus say about Peter’s denial? (a) “The cock will not crow till you have denied me three times” (John 13:38).

(b) “Before the cock crows twice you will deny me three times” (Mark 14:30). When the cock crowed once, the three denials were not yet complete (see Mark 14:72). Therefore prediction (a) failed.

49.Did Jesus bear his own cross? (a) Yes (John 19:17) (b) No (Matthew 27:31-32)

50.Did Jesus die before the curtain of the temple was torn? (a) Yes (Matthew27: 50-5 1;MarklS: 37-38)

(b) No. After the curtain was torn, then Jesus crying with a loud voice, said, “Father, into thy hands I commit my spirit!” And having said this he breathed his last (Luke 23:45-46)

51.Did Jesus say anything secretly? (a) No. “I have said nothing secretly” (John 18:20)

(b) Yes. “He did not speak to them without a parable, but privately to his own disciples he explained everything” (Mark 4:34). The disciples asked him “Why do you speak to them in parables?” He said, “To you it has been given to know the secrets of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been given” (Matthew 13: 1 0-11)

52.Where was Jesus at the sixth hour on the day of the crucifixion? (a) On the cross (Mark 15:23) (b) In Pilate’s court (John 19:14)

53.The gospels say that two thieves were crucified along with Jesus. Did both thieves mock Jesus? (a) Yes (Mark 15:32) (b) No. One of them mocked Jesus, the other defended Jesus (Luke 23:43)

54.Did Jesus ascend to Paradise the same day of the crucifixion? (a) Yes. He said to the thief who defended him, “Today you will be with me in Paradise” (Luke 23:43) (b) No. He said to Mary Magdelene two days later, “I have not yet ascended to the Father” (John 20:17)

55.When Paul was on the road to Damascus he saw a light and heard a voice. Did those who were with him hear the voice?

(a) Yes (Acts9: 7) (b) No (Acts22: 9)

56.When Paul saw the light he fell to the ground. Did his traveling companions also fall to the ground? (a) Yes (Acts 26:14) (b) No (Acts 9:7)

57.Did the voice spell out on the spot what Paul’s duties were to be? (a) Yes (Acts 26:16-18) (b) No. The voice commanded Paul to go into the city of Damascus and there he will be told what he

must do. (Acts9: 7; 22: 10)

58.When the Israelites dwelt in Shittin they committed adultery with the daughters of Moab. God struck them with a plague. How many people died in that plague?

(a) Twenty-four thousand (Numbers 25:1 and 9) (b) Twenty-three thousand (I Corinthians 10:8)

59.How many members of the house of Jacob came to Egypt? (a) Seventy souls (Genesis 4&27) (b) Seventy-five souls (Acts 7:14)

60.What did Judas do with the blood money he received for betraying Jesus? (a) He bought a field (Acts 1: 18)

(b) He threw all of it into the temple and went away. The priests could not put the blood money into the temple treasury, so they used it to buy a field to bury strangers (Matthew 27:5)

61.How did Judas die? (a) After he threw the money into the temple he went away and hanged himself (Matthew 27:5)

(b) After he bought the field with the price of his evil deed he fell headlong and burst open in the middle and all his bowels gushed out (Acts 1:18)

62.Why is the field called “Field of Blood”? (a) Because the priests bought it with the blood money (Matthew 27:8)

(b) Because of the bloody death of Judas therein (Acts 1:19)

63.Who is a ransom for whom?

(a) “The Son of Man came...to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). “Christ Jesus who gave himself as a ransom for all... “(I Timothy 2:5-6)

(b) “The wicked is a ransom for the righteous, and the faithless for the upright” (Proverbs 21:18)

64.Is the Law of Moses useful? (a) Yes. “All scripture is... profitable...” (2 Timothy 3:16)

(b) No. “ . . . A former commandment is set aside because of its weakness and uselessness... “(Hebrews 7:18)

65.What was the exact wording on the cross? (a) “This is Jesus the King of the Jews” (Matthew 27:37) (b) “The King of the Jews” (Mark 15:26) (c) “This is the King of the Jews” (Luke 23:38) (d) “Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews” (John 19:19)

66.Did Herod want to kill John the Baptist? (a) Yes (Matthew 14:5)

(b) No. It was Herodias, the wife of Herod who wanted to kill him. But Herod knew that he was a righteous man and kept him safe (Mark 6:20)

67.Who was the tenth disciple of Jesus in the list of twelve? (a) Thaddaeus (Matthew 10: 1-4; Mark 3:13 -19) (b) Judas son of James is the corresponding name in Luke’s gospel (Luke 6:12-16)

68.Jesus saw a man sit at the tax collector’s office and called him to be his disciple. What was his name? (a) Matthew (Matthew 9:9) (b) Levi (Mark 2:14; Luke 5:27)

69.Was Jesus crucified on the daytime before the Passover meal or the daytime after? (a) After (Mark 14:12-17)

(b) Before. Before the feast of the Passover (John 1) Judas went out at night (John 13:30). The other disciples thought he was going out to buy supplies to prepare for the Passover meal (John 13:29). When Jesus was arrested, the Jews did not enter Pilate’s judgment hail because they wanted to stay clean to eat the Passover (John 18:28). When the judgment was pronounced against Jesus, it was about the sixth hour on the day of Preparation for the Passover (John 19:14)

70.Did Jesus pray to The Father to prevent the crucifixion? (a) Yes. (Matthew 26:39; Mark 14:36; Luke 22:42) (b) No. (John 12:27)

71.In the gospels which say that Jesus prayed to avoid the cross, how many times did ‘he move away from his disciples to pray?

(a) Three (Matthew 26:36-46 and Mark 14:32-42) (b) One. No opening is left for another two times. (Luke 22:39-46)

72.Matthew and Mark agree that Jesus went away and prayed three times. What were the words of the second prayer?

(a) Mark does not give the words but he says that the words were the same as the first prayer (Mark 14:3 9)

(b) Matthew gives us the words, and we can see that they are not the same as in the first (Matthew 26:42)

73.What did the centurion say when Jesus dies? (a) “Certainly this man was innocent” (Luke 23:47) (b) “Truly this man was the Son of God” (Mark 15:39)

74.When Jesus said “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken Me? ” in what language did he speak? (a) Hebrew: the words are “Eloi, Eloi...“(Matthew 27:46) (b) Aramaic: the words are “Eloi, Eloi... “(Mark 15:34)

75.According to the gospels, what were the last words of Jesus before he died? (a) “Father, into thy hands I commit my spirit!” (Luke 23:46) (b) "It is finished" (John 19:30).

76.When Jesus entered Capernaum he healed the slave of a centurion. Did the centurion come personally to request Jesus for this?

(a) Yes (Matthew 8:5) (b) No. He sent some elders of the Jews and his friends (Luke 7:3,6)

77. (a) Adam was told that if and when he eats the forbidden fruit he would die the same day (Genesis 2:17)

(b) Adam ate the fruit and went on to live to a ripe old age of 930 years (Genesis 5:5)

78. (a) God decided that the life span of humans will be limited to 120 years (Genesis 6:3)

(b) Many people born after that lived longer than 120. Arpachshad lived 438 years. His son Shelah lived 433 years. His son Eber lived 464 years, etc. (Genesis 11:12-16)

79.Apart from Jesus did anyone else ascend to heaven? (a) No (John 3:13) (b) Yes. “And Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven” (2 Kings 2:11)

80.Who was high priest when David went into the house of God and ate the consecrated bread? (a) Abiathar (Mark 2:26) (b) Ahimelech, the father of Abiathar (I Samuel 1:1; 22:20)

81.Was Jesus’ body wrapped in spices before burial in accordance with Jewish burial customs? (a) Yes and his female disciples witnessed his burial (John 19:39-40)

(b) No. Jesus was simply wrapped in a linen shroud. Then the women bought and prepared spices “so that they may go and anoint him [Jesus)” (Mark 16: 1)

82.When did the women buy the spices? (a) After “the Sabbath was past” (Mark 16:1)

(b) Before the Sabbath. The women “prepared spices and ointments.” Then, “on the Sabbath they rested according to the commandment” (Luke 23:55 to 24:1)

83.At what time of day did the women visit the tomb? (a) “Toward the dawn” (Matthew 28: 1) (b) “When the sun had risen” (Mark 16:2)

84.What was the purpose for which the women went to the tomb?

(a) To anoint Jesus’ body with spices (Mark 16: 1; Luke 23:55 to 24: 1)

(b) To see the tomb. Nothing about spices here (Matthew 28: 1)

(c) For no specified reason. In this gospel the wrapping with spices had been done before the Sabbath (John 20: 1)

85.A large stone was placed at the entrance of the tomb. Where was the stone when the women arrived?

(a) They saw that the stone was “Rolled back” (Mark 16:4) They found the stone “rolled away from the tomb” (Luke 24:2) They saw that “the stone had been taken away from the tomb” (John 20:1)

(b) As the women approached, an angel descended from heaven, rolled away the stone, and conversed with the women. Matthew made the women witness the spectacular rolling away of the stone (Matthew 28:1-6)

86.Did anyone tell the women what happened to Jesus’ body?

(a) Yes. “A young man in a white robe” (Mark 16:5). “Two men ... in dazzling apparel” later described as angels (Luke 24:4 and 24:23). An angel - the one who rolled back the stone (Matthew 16:2). In each case the women were told that Jesus had risen from the dead (Matthew 28:7; Mark 16:6; Luke 24:5

footnote)

(b) No. Mary met no one and returned saying, “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have laid him” (John 20:2)

87.When did Mary Magdelene first meet the resurrected Jesus? And how did she react?

(a) Mary and the other women met Jesus on their way back from their first and only visit to the tomb. They took hold of his feet and worshipped him (Matthew 28:9)

(b) On her second visit to the tomb Mary met Jesus just outside the tomb. When she saw Jesus she did not recognize him. She mistook him for the gardener. She still thinks that Jesus’ body is laid to rest somewhere and she demands to know where. But when Jesus said her name she at once recognized him and called him “Teacher.” Jesus said to her, “Do not hold me...” (John 20:11 to 17)

88.What was Jesus’ instruction for his disciples? (a) “Tell my brethren to go to Galilee, and there they will see me” (Matthew 2 8: 10)

(b) “Go to my brethren and say to them, I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God” (John 20:17)

89.When did the disciples return to Galilee?

(a) Immediately, because when they saw Jesus in Galilee “some doubted” (Matthew 28:17). This period of uncertainty should not persist

(b) After at least 40 days. That evening the disciples were still in Jerusalem (Luke 24:3 3). Jesus appeared to them there and told them, stay in the city until you are clothed with power from on high” (Luke 24:49). He was appearing to them “during forty days” (Acts 1:3), and “charged them not to depart from Jerusalem, but to wait for the promise ... “(Acts 1:4)

90.To whom did the Midianites sell Joseph? (a) “To the Ishmaelites” (Genesis 37:28) (b) “To Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh” (Genesis 37:36)

91.Who brought Joseph to Egypt? (a) The Ishmaelites bought Joseph and then “took Joseph to Egypt” (Genesis 37:28) (b) “The Midianites had sold him in Egypt” (Genesis 37:36) (c) Joseph said to his brothers “I am your brother, Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt” (Genesis 45:4)

92.Does God change his mind?

(a) Yes. “The word of the Lord came to Samuel: “I repent that I have made Saul King...” (I Samuel 15:10 to 11)

(b) No. God “will not lie or repent; for he is not a man, that he should repent” (I Samuel 15:29)

(c) Yes. “And the Lord repented that he had made Saul King over Israel” (I Samuel 15:35). Notice that the above three quotes are all from the same chapter of the same book! In addition, the Bible shows that God repented on several other occasions:

i. “The Lord was sorry that he made man” (Genesis 6:6) “I am sorry that I have made them” (Genesis 6:7) ii. “And the Lord repented of the evil which he thought to do to his people” (Exodus 32:14). iii. (Lots of other such references).

93.The Bible says that for each miracle Moses and Aaron demonstrated the magicians did the same by their secret arts. Then comes the following feat:

(a) Moses and Aaron converted all the available water into blood (Exodus 7:20-21)

(b) The magicians did the same (Exodus 7:22). This is impossible, since there would have been no water left to convert into blood.

94.Who killed Goliath?

(a) David (I Samuel 17:23, 50) (b) Elhanan (2 Samuel 21:19)

95.Who killed Saul? (a) “Saul took his own sword and fell upon it.... Thus Saul died... (I Samuel 31:4-6) (b) An Amalekite slew him (2 Samuel 1:1- 16)

96.Does every man sin?

(a) Yes. “There is no man who does not sin” (I Kings 8:46; see also 2 Chronicles 6:36; Proverbs 20:9; Ecclesiastes 7:20; and I John 1:810)

(b) No. True Christians cannot possibly sin, because they are the children of God. “Every one who believes that Jesus is the Christ is a child of God. (I John 5:1). “We should be called children of God; and so we are” (I John 3: 1). “He who loves is born of God” (I John 4:7). “No one born of God commits sin; for God’s nature abides in him, and he cannot sin because he is born of God” (I John 3:9). But, then again, Yes! “If we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (I John 1:8)

97.Who will bear whose burden? (a) “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2) (b) “Each man will have to bear his own load” (Galatians 6:5)

98.How many disciples did Jesus appear to after his resurrection? (a) Twelve (I Corinthians 15:5)

(b) Eleven (Matthew 27:3-5 and Acts 1:9-26, see also Matthew 28:16; Mark 16:14 footnote; Luke 24:9; Luke 24:3 3)

99.Where was Jesus three days after his baptism?

(a) After his baptism, “the spirit immediately drove him out into the wilderness. And he was in the wilderness forty days ... (Mark 1:12-13)

(b) Next day after the baptism, Jesus selected two disciples. Second day: Jesus went to Galilee - two more disciples. Third day: Jesus was at a wedding feast in Cana in Galilee (see John 1:35; 1:43; 2:1-11)

100.Was baby Jesus’ life threatened in Jerusalem? (a) Yes, so Joseph fled with him to Egypt and stayed there until Herod died (Matthew 2:13 23)

(b) No. The family fled nowhere. They calmly presented the child at the Jerusalem temple according to the Jewish customs and returned to Galilee (Luke 2:21-40)

101.When Jesus walked on water how did the disciples respond? (a) They worshipped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God” (Matthew 14:33)

(b) “They were utterly astounded, for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened” (Mark 6:51-52)