Questions about Canada

In preparation for coming to the Vancouver olympics, believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
I thought I'd add my OWN answers, labelled My_Own_answer (OK couldn't think of a better one)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
My_Own_answer: That's because we only have 5 TV channels in Canada - coast to coast - and we don't want to attract tourists.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
My_Own_answer: Yes, if you hang around Inuktituk (North West Territories), Poste de la Baleine (Québec), FlinFlon (Manitoba) or anywhere close to the Artic circle.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
My_Own_answer: Swedes really do have a lot of stamina. I also say "Yes you can". Suggest you leave Vancouver in late October with cross country skis so that you get to the eastern tip of Québec late June - you might have snow all the way. Also, don't try to get to Newfoundland by foot. The river doesn't freeze over there.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
My_Own_answer: ??? What the fuck kind of question is THAT? "Run around the bushes". NO you can only do this in Kenebunkport, Maine (about 2 hours away south of the canadian border) where the Bushes have their residence. Keep an eye out for secret service people disguised as pizza delivery folks - some peolpe still have it out for the Bushes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax ? (England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
My_Own_answer: We also have them in Inuktituk, Poste de la Baleine, FlinFlon. For a list of ATMs in those "other" cities, try "The Internet" - we also have THAT in Canada.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
My_Own_answer: Hippo racing takes place every two weeks in all major cities, right after the Weight Watcher meetings. Most entertaining to see the ladies run to the donut shop. Betting is "cash only" - look for me (I always wear an orange hat with flipdown ear covers).

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
My_Own_answer: Other hint, in addition to above. If you see a bear walk by and it's white, you're pretty close to the north. Stop walking, take a rest. Let the bear approach you - your suffering is almost over.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? (England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
My_Own_answer: In case you're wondering, we have cutlery in most restaurants. Others invite you to eat with your fingers...like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
My_Own_answer: Most "Boy's choirs" are closely guarded by groups called "Parish Priests". I disagree with other answer - please DO NOT come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany )
A: No, we don't stink.
My_Own_answer: Yes. The most pungent one is called "Oktoberfest".

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
My_Own_answer: We don't need it. We are mostly a peace loving country and we live to a very old age. Also, I agree with the other answer.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
My_Own_answer: Smaller as in "less than" or as in "shorter than"? Most of our females are shorter than most of our males. Exceptions: Midget throwing clubs - we have those in Vancouver I'm told - look for them. If you're looking for areas where there are less females than males (coming from Italy I can only guess why you would want to know this), please be advised that Canadian girls are, for the most part, not impressed by macho Italian guys. They go for lumberjacks wearing checkered shirts and orange hats with ear flaps.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
My_Own_answer: Yes, when the tourists go back home. We also have a 4th of July except we don't do anything special with it.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
My_Own_answer: I guess this is like me asking if there are only men wearing bavarian costumes in Germany. What? My wife tells me that indeed that men only wear bavarian costumes in Germany - well I'll be damned - didn't know this did ya!

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, beating in the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
My_Own_answer: I disagree with "the other answer". We call them Horny Horses - found on most farms. You keep them away from you by spraying yourself with mare-in-heat urine. (Mares are lady horses - we have those in Canada too)

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
My_Own_answer: You can speak all you want, we just won't answer. Holds true for most languages anyway. We just wait for tourists to go away. We're a peace loving country and too many tourists make us impatient.

Politically incorrect

Since I'm not planning to run for

• Public office
• The local school board
• For ANY government sponsored jobs

I would like to offer some thoughts or share some jokes I find weirdly funny
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Polish Lottery?
      The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
What do a Divorce in Arkansas, and a Tornado have in common?
      Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
   Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
    Sign says:"17 and under not admitted."
What do you get when you have 32 West Virginia  lawyers in the same room?
     A full set of teeth.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
      Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in South Carolina burned down?
      Almost took out the whole trailer park.
A new law was recently passed in Virginia:
    When a  couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE:
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" "You Are Different and That's Bad" 

Side effects

It's Sunday night, my wonderful spouse and I are watching the Golden Globe awards and I see a commercial for a bipolar disorder medicine. I will NOT mention the product here, I don't have the time or the money to fight the lawyers and all.
I'm listening absentmindedly (as is often my state on Sunday evenings) but I can't help hearing the side effects. The ad is in fact about 15 seconds long and the side effect another 15 seconds. 
Take a look, taken right from the product's web site: 
Side effects can include:

• Headaches -- in up to 27 percent of people
• A sedated feeling -- up to 23 percent
• Agitation -- up to 19 percent
• Insomnia -- up to 18 percent 
• Fatigue -- up to 17 percent
• Anxiety -- up to 17 percent
• Drowsiness -- up to 16 percent
• Nausea -- up to 15 percent
• Vomiting -- up to 14 percent
• Restlessness -- up to 12 percent
• Constipation -- up to 11 percent.

Some other common side effects (occurring in 2 percent to 10 percent of people) included:

• Dizziness
• Indigestion or heartburn
• Shakiness (tremors)
• Weight gain 
• Restlessness
• Fatigue
• Dry mouth
• Joint pain
• Throat pain
• Blurred vision
• Abdominal pain (stomach pain)
• Pain
• Cough
• Nasal congestion
• Increased salivation
• Swelling or water retention in the arms, legs, or feet.
• Large or rapid weight gain
• Suicidal thoughts
• Dizziness or fainting when going from a sitting or lying-down position to standing
• Feelings of internal restlessness or jitteriness
• Any abnormal muscle movements (these movements can become permanent if xxx is not stopped quickly)
• A painful erection of the penis that does not go away (priapism) (hang on, what's the problem here???)
• Unexplained rash
• Hives
• Itching
• Unexplained swelling
• Wheezing
• Difficulty breathing or swallowing
• Hemorrhoids
• Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
• Canker sores
• Gallstones
• Yeast infections
• Arthritis
• Carpal tunnel syndrome
• Kidney stones
• Impotence, also known as erectile dysfunction  (so we can have a permanent erection (see above) or no erection at all - confusing)
• An increased or decreased sex drive
• Acne
• Eczema
• Hair loss
• Varicose veins.
• Anemia
• Vertigo (a spinning sensation)
• Tinnitus (ringing in the ears)
• Low thyroid (hypothyroidism) or high thyroid (hyperthyroidism)

And not mentioned on the site but spoken on TV : ".. and death"

AND DEATH????

Holly shit Batman, I don't suffer from bipolar disorder but I think I'd rather be bipolar than risking the above. 

Comments anyone?

Funny business quotes

A magazine recently ran a "dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.


Here are the top ten finalists:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(Hallmark Cards executive)

Rear ended a dwarf

Heard on the radio.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

Avoiding snakebites

Isn't this just GREAT advice?

I'm glad i could be of service to you this fine day.

Gabon wealth meter

I'm told that in Gabon a man's wealth is measured by the number of wives he has or has had. Exactly the opposite of western culture I think.

A new blog I found

This is a great blog.

Ordinary words with extraordinary meanings.

Love it

Check it out

http://myfirstdictionary.blogspot.com/

You may live in Canada if...

• your local ice cream store is closed from September through May
• someone in a hardware store offers you assistance and they don't work there
• you've worn shorts and a winter coat at the same time
• you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number
• 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend
• you measure distance in hours,
• you know several people who have hit a deer more than once
• you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again
• you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching
• you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
• you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them
• you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
• the speed limit on the highway is 80 km you're going 90 and everybody is passing you
• driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
• you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction
• If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car
• If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly'
• you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Canadian friends & others, you definitely live in Canada .

Kids are funny

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.