In preparation for coming to the Vancouver olympics, believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
I thought I'd add my OWN answers, labelled My_Own_answer (OK couldn't think of a better one)
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
My_Own_answer: That's because we only have 5 TV channels in Canada - coast to coast - and we don't want to attract tourists.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
My_Own_answer: Yes, if you hang around Inuktituk (North West Territories), Poste de la Baleine (Québec), FlinFlon (Manitoba) or anywhere close to the Artic circle.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
My_Own_answer: Swedes really do have a lot of stamina. I also say "Yes you can". Suggest you leave Vancouver in late October with cross country skis so that you get to the eastern tip of Québec late June - you might have snow all the way. Also, don't try to get to Newfoundland by foot. The river doesn't freeze over there.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
My_Own_answer: ??? What the fuck kind of question is THAT? "Run around the bushes". NO you can only do this in Kenebunkport, Maine (about 2 hours away south of the canadian border) where the Bushes have their residence. Keep an eye out for secret service people disguised as pizza delivery folks - some peolpe still have it out for the Bushes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax ? (England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
My_Own_answer: We also have them in Inuktituk, Poste de la Baleine, FlinFlon. For a list of ATMs in those "other" cities, try "The Internet" - we also have THAT in Canada.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
My_Own_answer: Hippo racing takes place every two weeks in all major cities, right after the Weight Watcher meetings. Most entertaining to see the ladies run to the donut shop. Betting is "cash only" - look for me (I always wear an orange hat with flipdown ear covers).
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
My_Own_answer: Other hint, in addition to above. If you see a bear walk by and it's white, you're pretty close to the north. Stop walking, take a rest. Let the bear approach you - your suffering is almost over.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? (England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
My_Own_answer: In case you're wondering, we have cutlery in most restaurants. Others invite you to eat with your fingers...like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
My_Own_answer: Most "Boy's choirs" are closely guarded by groups called "Parish Priests". I disagree with other answer - please DO NOT come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany )
A: No, we don't stink.
My_Own_answer: Yes. The most pungent one is called "Oktoberfest".
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
My_Own_answer: We don't need it. We are mostly a peace loving country and we live to a very old age. Also, I agree with the other answer.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
My_Own_answer: Smaller as in "less than" or as in "shorter than"? Most of our females are shorter than most of our males. Exceptions: Midget throwing clubs - we have those in Vancouver I'm told - look for them. If you're looking for areas where there are less females than males (coming from Italy I can only guess why you would want to know this), please be advised that Canadian girls are, for the most part, not impressed by macho Italian guys. They go for lumberjacks wearing checkered shirts and orange hats with ear flaps.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
My_Own_answer: Yes, when the tourists go back home. We also have a 4th of July except we don't do anything special with it.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
My_Own_answer: I guess this is like me asking if there are only men wearing bavarian costumes in Germany. What? My wife tells me that indeed that men only wear bavarian costumes in Germany - well I'll be damned - didn't know this did ya!
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, beating in the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
My_Own_answer: I disagree with "the other answer". We call them Horny Horses - found on most farms. You keep them away from you by spraying yourself with mare-in-heat urine. (Mares are lady horses - we have those in Canada too)
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
My_Own_answer: You can speak all you want, we just won't answer. Holds true for most languages anyway. We just wait for tourists to go away. We're a peace loving country and too many tourists make us impatient.