I just found out that Canada's women curling team has a pregnant player on board as a substitute. In a February 17th 2010 article, the Examiner presents Kristie Moore, 5 months pregnant, a very fit looking lady.
That's all fine and good but between you and I, would you see a 5 month pregnant slalom skier, or a pregnant Joannie Rochette or even a pregnant bobsled team (where after all you ARE sitting down most of the time), or a pregnant - well you get my point - competing in any TRUE olympic sport?
Thank you, I knew you would agree.
I hear that when Curling Canada called Ms Moore to invite her onto the team as a substitute, she, rumors have it, said : "You know I'm 5 month pregnant right?" To which the caller said: "So? You're pregnant, you're not dead".
Thus it seems that curling is an olympic activity where the only prerequisite to allow you to play is that you not be dead.
Not a sport, period.
Fier de collaborer à la "Out Campaign" - Proud participant in the "Out Campaign" - Go take a look
2010/02/26
2010/02/22
BELIEVE!
A very nice blog http://strangemaps.wordpress.com/ has all kinds of weird things, among those the forever famous "flat earth society" kind of spoof. Here's an extract.
- Q: “Can I believe in the round Earth and still get into heaven?”
- A: “No [...] God won’t let any half-assed believers into heaven.”
- Q: “What about all those pictures from space, showing that the Earth is round?”
- A: “Just more proof that Hollywood is in league with the devil [...] In fact, the entire NASA space program is a sham. The movie Capricorn One was a documentary about how the Apollo moon mission was faked [...] O.J. Simpson, one of the stars of Capricorn One, was going to come forward with THE TRUTH, but he was silenced by being framed for the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.
- Q: “How come no airline pilots have ever reported seeing the edges of the Earth?”
- A: “Airline pilots are also in league with the devil. This is for your protection. If True Believers were allowed to pilot airliners, many planes would instantly become unmanned during the pre-Tribulation Rapture, thus crashing and killing everybody on board. When crossing the Equator or the Prime Meridian, airline pilots have to make sharp 90-degree turns to follow the square contours of the Earth. They hide this fact by blaming it on ‘turbulence.’”
2010/02/19
Questions about Canada
In preparation for coming to the Vancouver olympics, believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
I thought I'd add my OWN answers, labelled My_Own_answer (OK couldn't think of a better one)
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
My_Own_answer: That's because we only have 5 TV channels in Canada - coast to coast - and we don't want to attract tourists.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
My_Own_answer: Yes, if you hang around Inuktituk (North West Territories), Poste de la Baleine (Québec), FlinFlon (Manitoba) or anywhere close to the Artic circle.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
My_Own_answer: Swedes really do have a lot of stamina. I also say "Yes you can". Suggest you leave Vancouver in late October with cross country skis so that you get to the eastern tip of Québec late June - you might have snow all the way. Also, don't try to get to Newfoundland by foot. The river doesn't freeze over there.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
My_Own_answer: ??? What the fuck kind of question is THAT? "Run around the bushes". NO you can only do this in Kenebunkport, Maine (about 2 hours away south of the canadian border) where the Bushes have their residence. Keep an eye out for secret service people disguised as pizza delivery folks - some peolpe still have it out for the Bushes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax ? (England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
My_Own_answer: We also have them in Inuktituk, Poste de la Baleine, FlinFlon. For a list of ATMs in those "other" cities, try "The Internet" - we also have THAT in Canada.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
My_Own_answer: Hippo racing takes place every two weeks in all major cities, right after the Weight Watcher meetings. Most entertaining to see the ladies run to the donut shop. Betting is "cash only" - look for me (I always wear an orange hat with flipdown ear covers).
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
My_Own_answer: Other hint, in addition to above. If you see a bear walk by and it's white, you're pretty close to the north. Stop walking, take a rest. Let the bear approach you - your suffering is almost over.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? (England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
My_Own_answer: In case you're wondering, we have cutlery in most restaurants. Others invite you to eat with your fingers...like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
My_Own_answer: Most "Boy's choirs" are closely guarded by groups called "Parish Priests". I disagree with other answer - please DO NOT come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany )
A: No, we don't stink.
My_Own_answer: Yes. The most pungent one is called "Oktoberfest".
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
My_Own_answer: We don't need it. We are mostly a peace loving country and we live to a very old age. Also, I agree with the other answer.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
My_Own_answer: Smaller as in "less than" or as in "shorter than"? Most of our females are shorter than most of our males. Exceptions: Midget throwing clubs - we have those in Vancouver I'm told - look for them. If you're looking for areas where there are less females than males (coming from Italy I can only guess why you would want to know this), please be advised that Canadian girls are, for the most part, not impressed by macho Italian guys. They go for lumberjacks wearing checkered shirts and orange hats with ear flaps.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
My_Own_answer: Yes, when the tourists go back home. We also have a 4th of July except we don't do anything special with it.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
My_Own_answer: I guess this is like me asking if there are only men wearing bavarian costumes in Germany. What? My wife tells me that indeed that men only wear bavarian costumes in Germany - well I'll be damned - didn't know this did ya!
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, beating in the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
My_Own_answer: I disagree with "the other answer". We call them Horny Horses - found on most farms. You keep them away from you by spraying yourself with mare-in-heat urine. (Mares are lady horses - we have those in Canada too)
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
My_Own_answer: You can speak all you want, we just won't answer. Holds true for most languages anyway. We just wait for tourists to go away. We're a peace loving country and too many tourists make us impatient.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
I thought I'd add my OWN answers, labelled My_Own_answer (OK couldn't think of a better one)
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
My_Own_answer: That's because we only have 5 TV channels in Canada - coast to coast - and we don't want to attract tourists.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
My_Own_answer: Yes, if you hang around Inuktituk (North West Territories), Poste de la Baleine (Québec), FlinFlon (Manitoba) or anywhere close to the Artic circle.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
My_Own_answer: Swedes really do have a lot of stamina. I also say "Yes you can". Suggest you leave Vancouver in late October with cross country skis so that you get to the eastern tip of Québec late June - you might have snow all the way. Also, don't try to get to Newfoundland by foot. The river doesn't freeze over there.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
My_Own_answer: ??? What the fuck kind of question is THAT? "Run around the bushes". NO you can only do this in Kenebunkport, Maine (about 2 hours away south of the canadian border) where the Bushes have their residence. Keep an eye out for secret service people disguised as pizza delivery folks - some peolpe still have it out for the Bushes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax ? (England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
My_Own_answer: We also have them in Inuktituk, Poste de la Baleine, FlinFlon. For a list of ATMs in those "other" cities, try "The Internet" - we also have THAT in Canada.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
My_Own_answer: Hippo racing takes place every two weeks in all major cities, right after the Weight Watcher meetings. Most entertaining to see the ladies run to the donut shop. Betting is "cash only" - look for me (I always wear an orange hat with flipdown ear covers).
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
My_Own_answer: Other hint, in addition to above. If you see a bear walk by and it's white, you're pretty close to the north. Stop walking, take a rest. Let the bear approach you - your suffering is almost over.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? (England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
My_Own_answer: In case you're wondering, we have cutlery in most restaurants. Others invite you to eat with your fingers...like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
My_Own_answer: Most "Boy's choirs" are closely guarded by groups called "Parish Priests". I disagree with other answer - please DO NOT come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany )
A: No, we don't stink.
My_Own_answer: Yes. The most pungent one is called "Oktoberfest".
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
My_Own_answer: We don't need it. We are mostly a peace loving country and we live to a very old age. Also, I agree with the other answer.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
My_Own_answer: Smaller as in "less than" or as in "shorter than"? Most of our females are shorter than most of our males. Exceptions: Midget throwing clubs - we have those in Vancouver I'm told - look for them. If you're looking for areas where there are less females than males (coming from Italy I can only guess why you would want to know this), please be advised that Canadian girls are, for the most part, not impressed by macho Italian guys. They go for lumberjacks wearing checkered shirts and orange hats with ear flaps.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
My_Own_answer: Yes, when the tourists go back home. We also have a 4th of July except we don't do anything special with it.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
My_Own_answer: I guess this is like me asking if there are only men wearing bavarian costumes in Germany. What? My wife tells me that indeed that men only wear bavarian costumes in Germany - well I'll be damned - didn't know this did ya!
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, beating in the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
My_Own_answer: I disagree with "the other answer". We call them Horny Horses - found on most farms. You keep them away from you by spraying yourself with mare-in-heat urine. (Mares are lady horses - we have those in Canada too)
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
My_Own_answer: You can speak all you want, we just won't answer. Holds true for most languages anyway. We just wait for tourists to go away. We're a peace loving country and too many tourists make us impatient.
2010/02/13
Politically incorrect
Since I'm not planning to run for
- Public office
- The local school board
- For ANY government sponsored jobs
I would like to offer some thoughts or share some jokes I find weirdly funny
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Polish Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
What do a Divorce in Arkansas, and a Tornado have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
Sign says:"17 and under not admitted."
What do you get when you have 32 West Virginia lawyers in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in South Carolina burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
A new law was recently passed in Virginia:
When a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE:
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" "You Are Different and That's Bad"
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Polish Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
What do a Divorce in Arkansas, and a Tornado have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
Sign says:"17 and under not admitted."
What do you get when you have 32 West Virginia lawyers in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in South Carolina burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
A new law was recently passed in Virginia:
When a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" "You Are Different and That's Bad"
2010/02/07
Taxes taxes taxes
At first I thought this was funny....
Then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Death Tax
Dog License Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment (UI)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Gasoline Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Hunting License Tax
Hydro Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Provincial Income and sales tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Federal Tax
Telephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
--- and in 2010 the HST
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, Canada was one of the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, Canada was one of the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the flock happened?
Can you spell 'politicians?'
Can you spell 'politicians?'
2010/02/01
Richard Dawkin's Times online article
An article from Richard Dawkins on Pat Robertson's sick and horrendous comment that Haiti's heart quake was brought upon them to tone for their sins of making a deal with the devil, no less.
And reading the comments is pretty entertaining too.
And reading the comments is pretty entertaining too.
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